Wednesday, April 12, 2017

It's one of those days...

I'll turn 32 this year. At the risk of sounding cliched, it feels old. Not so much in terms of age, though. It's just that, I've been on this planet for more than three decades. And when I put it like that, it seems like a really long time. A lot happens in just a year, and 30 years is, well, a very long time ago! And a lot has changed for me in these years....I've enjoyed my childhood, teens - maybe not so much.... achieved the usual milestones that one expects to - completing college, getting a job, falling in love, getting married, starting a family. In other words, my life has gone exactly as planned.

I didn't do the planning though. It, sort of, came with the manual.

So what's missing? Spontaneity I suppose. I haven't done anything crazy. Sure, I've had some good times with my friends when I was younger, shared lovely memories with family. But nothing out of the ordinary. Like take a solo trip, for instance. Or live by myself. Or just do something on a whim. I don't even know what is the 'crazy' that I want, it's so pathetic.

I'm missing passion. I'm afraid I'm not passionate about a thing! Not a thing! Not my work, which I loved at one point. I feel nothing. Or maybe it's that I've been told not to express my joy. Not in public at least, because 'it's so juvenile'.

Getting a new car? Yay! "Shush, what's so exciting about it, stop making a scene!"
Going for a holiday? "Do you know how much it's costing us?"
My best friend's visiting! "Big deal. Grow up!"
I love this song! Let's dance! "Are you mad! People can see you!"

I mean, seriously!

I love my daughter though, and I love seeing her grow up into this beautiful, smart, funny individual! I've devoted myself to her, and in a way, I'm happy to get a chance to be a child with her. I love getting excited when she gets excited. I know that's one moment that I won't be judged, when I can hide behind her joy. And I'm dreading the day when she won't need me, when I won't be her best friend anymore. Because that is the day I will feel truly alone, and find myself in unfamiliar territory. I hope I can make it through that.

Besides my child, I think I've become very detached from just about everything else. It doesn't matter to me if I lost touch with one of my best buds. It doesn't matter if someone in the family passed away. It doesn't bother me to see my mom cry. It's like I've turned into this cynical, sarcastic, short-tempered witch, who just doesn't give a damn about anyone else.

And I don't like her.


Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Good Ol' Days

There is something about the past... it always seems more appealing than the present. The irony is, that when the past was the present, no one really gave a shit. Sigh... And the future? Oh, don't get me started on that! It's like that elusive, playing-hard-to-get, mystery lover, that will either sweep you off your feet or watch you burn!

Anyway, the future is not why I'm rambling. I can't really complain, because I have a decent life. I mean, everyone's got problems right? Big deal! No. The past....it's my little box of treasures. My refuge, my recluse, a place I go to when the present doesn't feel quite adequate. Diving into the sea of memories, day dreaming about the days gone by... it's like being a spectator to your life's movie. There are funny parts, sad parts, scary parts and happy parts too... the complete package. Regrets? Sure. But more than feeling remorseful, it's insightful. There is certainly a longing... for people who have drifted away, or times well spent, or places that have been forgotten. A feeling like something's missing...like I'm not living a full life. Which is weird because I already have everything I need. Maybe it's the times I miss, the person that I was, as opposed to who I am now. Who knows... only time will tell...

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Nani ki God



Musafiron ki tarah teri chaukhat pe aana
Khidki se tujhe awaaz lagana
Tere chhote se ghar aur bade se dil mein
Garmiyon ke saari chhuttiyan bitana
Aaj bhi tere chehre ki raunaq yaad hai
Aaj bhi nani, teri godi yaad hai

Tera garam halwa aur naram rotiyan
Chulhe pe dher pakwaan banana
Baitha ke apni chhoti si rasoi me
Vo pyaar se daant ke, niwaale khilana
Aaj bhi tere vo niwaale yaad hain
Aaj bhi nani, teri godi yaad hai

Nanu ke kisson par khul ke hasna
Tere saath baith ke gappe lagana
Us do kamre ke ghar me aakar
Ek ajeeb sa sukoon paana
Aaj bhi teri pyaari thapkiyan yaad hai
Aaj bhi nani, teri godi yaad hai

Ab jaan meri basti hai jisme
Socha tha kabhi khelegi teri god me
Par nanka mera kho gaya kahi
Sheher paraya, waqt vo begana ho gaya kahi
Aaj bhi un galiyon se guzarna yaad hai
Aaj bhi nani, teri godi yaad hai

Friday, July 8, 2016

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.


Respect.

The biggest point of contention between men and women. The root of all arguments, quarrels, misunderstandings. It is a well known fact, and yet nothing has changed in all these decades.

Men do not respect women. Period. They can love them, appreciate them, even idolize them, but they do not respect them.

By respectful men I don't mean those who open the door for us or pull out the chair for us, or pay us a compliment. That's just good manners.

Respectful men need to respect a woman's thinking and appreciate the fact that it can be different from their own. Women can think, as opposed to what most men believe, or are led to believe.

Why is it that every desire or every ambition of a woman needs to be justified with a 'logical reasoning'? Basically, a good enough reason, that makes sense in a man's world. Why can't she want something because she feels like it? Why is she questioned at every choice, every decision she makes? Why do men decide whether women are deserving enough or not?

A man, on the other hand, is given the benefit of doubt, even if he commits a cardinal sin!

It is unfortunate, but the society we live in has forced us to demand respect, to fight for it, even if we have done everything in our capacity to earn it. It is a fight in the hope to build a better future for our daughters, and a more compassionate one for our sons. A hope for a world, not of men and women, but of humans. And so, it goes on.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Anonymous

How do I inspire him
Me, an ordinary woman
Living an ordinary life
Dreaming ordinary dreams

How do I compete
With his expectations of me
With his idealism
With his perfectionism

How do I survive
His idea of love
His ambitions for me
His desires for another

How do I change
For the unchanged man
With his unchanged values
Without erasing myself?

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Talk

Conversations...its a lost art, really. I don't remember the last time I had a long meaningful conversation with someone. It's like this...either I'm switched off when someone's talking to me, resulting in maybe, 5-10 mins of chit-chat. Or the person whom I wish to talk to is preoccupied. Even while on the phone, I'm multi-tasking. It's as if, conversing has become a waste of time, a by-product of the crazy humdrum of life. Social networking isn't exactly helping! When did it become polite to check my phone every 5 mins, in the middle of a 'conversation'? And yet, I can't help it. This constant need for stimulation is tiring, so when I'm off the phone, I'm exhausted, and still not satiated. Reading helps, but again, I'm not actually talking to anyone. It feels like although I'm surrounded by people, I'm living a solitary life. A life of typed letters instead of voices, emoticons instead of emotions and profile pictures instead of friends.